Not Invisable Anymore
BLENDING IN I don’t stand out in a crowd and not just because I am short. I feel most comfortable when I blend in. I usually avoid doing things that might get noticed. However, lately I have been putting myself out in the world in ways I never imagined I would be capable of doing. VISIBILITY THROUGH BLOGGING It began years ago when I started writing my blog. It’s not possible to be shy and retiring while sharing your fears and foibles on the internet. Knowing that there were probably only a handful of people reading my blog made me feel less self-conscious. As time went on I became less guarded about what I was writing. My blogs morphed from stories about buying shoes online to sharing about the deep impact of grief and loss on my life. It was the people in my grief support group who encouraged me to publish my writing in a book, and that book was a big step in making the parts of myself that I usually hide from the world more visible. This week my book went on the shelf of a local bookstore. I decided to take advantage of their consignment program for local authors with the hope of giving my book more exposure. You would think that the word “exposure” would not feel overwhelming for a woman whose book is titled Naked Little Old Lady with Cats, but it does. Most of the people who bought my book online know who I am. Now I am actively seeking readers who will only know me through my writing. That is a bit daunting. When I retired, after 34 years of teaching junior high students, I pictured myself disappearing into my senior years, lounging with a cat in my lap and puttering in my garden. Instead I started writing a blog, which then became a book. The process of publishing has been every bit as adventuresome as trekking the Amazon jungles, except my jungle is amazon.com. I hacked away at the challenges of KDP self publishing and emerged with my book on a shelf in a bookstore along with other local authors. I tackled the fear of being clueless about what self publishing was all about - but now I have new fears. FEAR OF BEING VISABLE These new fears are actually old fears that fall under the heading: What Will People Think? They are the fears that drove my desire to stay anonymous and invisible. What will people think when they read about the intimate details of my life as a naked little old lady with cats? There is also a fear of failure lurking in the depths of my chest. What if my book just sits there on the shelf and nobody buys it? Basically I am afraid of what people will think if they do read my book, and at the same time afraid no one will read it. Just writing about this makes me aware of how ridiculous my fears are. I didn’t set out to write the great American novel. I wanted to make something I could give to my friends and family for Christmas. The fact that someone besides the people I know might read it is an extra bonus, not a reason to be afraid of being seen in the world. Besides being a gift to the people I love, my book has been a gift to myself. It was an exercise in tenacity and an opportunity to learn something new. I had no idea when I started that it would take nine months to put together a collection of stuff I had already written, but I did it. Yay me! I actually did it! NO LONGER AN INVISABLE WOMAN Probably the biggest gift to myself is that I discovered I am actually a writer. I see myself as many things: a teacher, an artist, a little old lady with cats. I never saw myself as a writer, although I always liked to write. Writing is a door to my soul. Publishing my writing gave me an opportunity to be seen in a way that is scary and wonderful at the same time. It has given me the confidence to do things (like speed dating!) I would have been afraid to do in the past. Now I just look at new adventures as great blogging material.
2 Comments
Ever since my Senior Speed Dating experience, I have had Beatles’ lyrics running through my brain, and “Love, love, love” is one of them. I will take it as inspiration and a signal that I need to do some writing. LOVE LOST AND FOUND I was married when I graduated from college and divorced five years later. After my divorce I felt unlovable. For years I tried dating but I was very needy. It’s not exactly the most attractive look for finding possible partners. I was not the kind of person who easily took risks in my life, and dating was one of the hardest. Eventually I gave up on dating all together. I stopped looking for romance and found a life where I felt comfortable, happy, and satisfied. That is my Little Old Lady with Cats life. It’s been filled with more that I could have imagined. I’ve had fabulous adventures, heartbreaking disappointments, creative inspiration, pain and loss that challenged and strengthened my soul, mind boggling realizations, wonderful friends, and quite a few special cats. So what made me consider dating again and actually go to a senior speed dating event? It took a while, but at 75, I think I am beginning to see myself differently. When I started writing this blog in 2015, I wanted to celebrate life and put myself out in the world. It was an opportunity to take some risks. Speed dating certainly fits the bill as risk taking and it has wrestled some feelings out of my heart that I have kept buried for a long time. OPENING MY HEART I am opening myself to the possibility of finding romantic love. Over the years I have gradually let go of the fear and resentment that followed me like a stray cat after my divorce. It’s great to be 75. I enjoy the freedom of not having to be something I am not in order to please other people. I don’t need romance in my life in the way I did when I was younger, but I am open to it. I have let go of the desire and just opened my heart to the possibilities. It doesn’t even matter to me if I find romance because I already have a lot of love in my life, but I know there is always room for more. I used to think that if I didn’t find a life partner I would be back in that self-loathing place I was when I got divorced, but I don’t need to go there anymore. I have actually had a lot of life partners. My housemates, friends, family, and even my cats have brought me joy and opportunities to grow. I don’t want to limit myself anymore. As a good friend told me recently, “You’re going to be dead for a long time.” I want to enjoy life while I have it. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE I know it’s OK to look for love; it’s life-changing to give love; and it’s important to recognize love when we find it. What I Learned About Speed Dating and MyselfI did it! I went to a speed dating/friendship event for seniors who are 70+ sponsored by Grey Bears, a local group that distributes food and does events for seniors in Santa Cruz. For some background about how I prepared for this adventure check out my previous post Speed Dating.
SPEED DATING BY THE NUMBERS Number of attendees: 50+ Number of 5 minute conversations I had: 12 Number of conversations with men: 7 Number of conversations with women: 5 Number of people I would like to meet again 6 (2 women & 4 men) THE SPEED DATING SCENE Entering the giant warehouse felt a little like going to a high school dance. Music was wafting out of the double doors that were decorated with long tinsel curtains. There was a festive feeling as I checked in. A couple of teenagers, undoubtedly the children (or grandchildren?) of the organizers handed me a name tag. I asked if they were going to participate in the speed dating and they laughed embarrassingly at my ridiculous question. I was on a roll, my first laugh of the night, but not my last. The warehouse was completely filled with chairs arranged in rows with one row facing another. In the back were tables loaded with non-alcoholic beverages and snacks. Bags of cookies, ready to distribute as a parting gift were arranged at another table. There were red hearts, and other reminders of the possibility for love, filling in the empty spaces. In the corner was a photo booth which consisted of a largish tent with colorful draping. I didn’t see anyone use it. Other elderly attendees were wandering in and picking up a name tag and a folder to use for recording their dates. They started to gather in small groups around the room. The neat arrangement of chairs was beginning to fall apart at the edges. Attempting to organize a group of adults is a lot like herding cats, they do what they want to do, even if it means dismantling some of the carefully constructed rows of chairs. THE DATES The organizer’s plan to methodically have people move from chair to chair in order to meet with a new partner never quite worked. Early on I decided to just wander around the scattered rows of chairs and find a random partner with an empty chair near them. I ended up having more conversations with men than women, even though there was a much higher number of women at the event. I surprised myself with my mingling skills. Usually I am not good at starting up conversations in crowds of people, but it seemed easy to find a partner. As the whole purpose of the event was to interview each other, everyone bought in to the concept and was focused on meeting new people. A bell signaled the start and end of each conversation, making it simple to utter a “Thanks” and move on to a new prospective date/friend. WHAT I LEARNED Eons ago I put a singles ad in the local paper (this was WAY before computer dating). I remember how I really didn’t have a clue who a person was until we met face-to-face, even though I had communicated with them by letters and phone calls. I learned that first impressions can be deceiving, and I might make a judgement about who someone was by how they looked, only to have a completely different impression after talking to them face-to-face. I was reminded of this phenomenon as I met each new person. Many times during the evening I sat next to someone I thought I wouldn’t have a lot in common with, and then found them to be interesting people with amazing lives after talking to them. I realized I was making snap judgements based on how they looked. I was on the receiving end of this too. At one point I sat next to a man whose body language and tone clearly indicated he thought I was not his type. He talked about how bored he was in retirement. I am not bored with my retired life and told him about the book I had published. When I told him the title was “Naked Little Old Lady with Cats” he laughed out loud and looked at me like a was a whole different person. Humor strikes again! WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT Most conversations started with a query about Santa Cruz, where they lived and how long they have been here. I wasn’t the only one from the Midwest who had found a new home on the west coast. There were also exchanges about lost loved ones and families. I listened for mention of special interests and found two people who, like me, were into genealogy. My favorite conversation was with someone whose creative passion started as a child and turned into a career. We covered a lot of territory, one 5 minute conversation after another. What we didn’t talk about: Dating! Surprise, surprise, no one even mentioned it! It’s not that there wasn’t an underlying current that dating was a possibility. I know it was on my mind, but I appreciated the fact that friendship was there too. It really was an event for seniors to meet new friends. I was inspired by the people who showed up to share a little about themselves with other oldsters and I was proud to be a part of this diverse group. WAITING FOR THE CONNECTION At the end of the two hour event I turned my list of potential dates/friends in to the teenagers at the door. I will have to wait until they tabulate the data to find out if there is anyone I would like to meet again who is interested in meeting me. I will be looking forward to an email from Grey Bears. Wish me luck! I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY SIGNED UP FOR SPEED DATING I just signed up for a local event for people 70+ called Senior Speed Dating/Friendship. At this point in my life anything with the word “speed” in it is something I would normally avoid like the plague, not to mention the word “dating.” However, I have been craving some adventure and this has the ring of adventure to it. I like the idea that it is about friendship as well as dating. That takes some of the pressure off. It’s also entirely possible that there will be mostly women there, so it could be an opportunity for a friendship connection. It amazes me that I actually clicked the send button on the computer registration form. I didn’t do it without a serious amount of anxious contemplation. This included long phone conversations with supportive friends and some time spent on my iPad looking for questions I could use for speed dating encounters. What do you ask someone you have never met in a situation like this? Even worse, how do you answer personal questions from a total stranger without looking like an idiot? SOME GOOD SPEED DATING QUESTIONS In the end I found some reasonable questions that I could ask:
I practiced answering them myself and they seem relativity normal, but helpful in getting to know someone. I also practiced answering other questions that could come my way:
SOME BAD SPEED DATING QUESTIONS Then there are the odd questions. They give you useless information, or information you would rather not know: 1. If a movie was made about your life, who would you want to play you? 2. Do you believe aliens exist? 3. Do you have a party trick? 4. Have you ever been told you look like someone famous? These sound more like something from a trivia game and I will avoid using anything like this. However, perhaps I should prepare a response to questions I have a hard time answering. Here are some possible responses: “My mind is blank, let’s try another question.” “That’s an interesting question but I don’t have an answer for it.” Ask the question back with an emphasis on the YOU. “Do YOU believe in aliens?” THE ULTIMATE SPEED DATING QUESTION I feel a bit more prepared for this adventure, however now I have to deal with the ultimate question: “What in heaven’s name should I wear?????” The Age of Love movie trailerThat is the question. |
Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
* * *
The Book Naked Little Old Lady with Cats A collection of Little Old Lady with Cats blogs * * *
WHAT IS A LITTLE OLD LADY WITH CATS - REALLY?
(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
All
Archive
July 2024
|