A Fantasy About Grief and LossTHE WINTER DOLDRUMS
I woke up early today to the sound of rain hitting the deck outside of my bedroom. It was still dark so when I peeked out through the curtains I couldn’t see the rain. I was hoping for the snow predicted in the weather reports, something that has only happened twice in the 40 years I have lived in California, but whatever was out there was clothed in predawn blackness. My head is in that blackness too. It’s like being in a dream but totally awake. I am in a weird space between depression and acceptance, craving adventure. It’s called the winter doldrums. MY FLYING RECLINER Yes, I want adventure, but I want the safety and security of my cozy home too, so I created an adventure in my mind. My fantasy adventure would involve a flying recliner. It would be one of those chairs with a lever on the side. Pushing the lever in the opposite direction of recline would make it airborne. I could steer it with subtle body movements. It might even be a time machine that would make it possible to travel back in time as well as space. My flying recliner adventures would be like dreams, but more real and less confusing. I would know where I was and people would act in a reasonably predictable way. What about danger? I don’t know. I might want some danger as long as it didn’t kill me. What the heck. This is a fantasy and it can be whatever I want it to be. I imagine that I would feel safe flying through the air like I do in an airplane, looking down at the landscape below, or picking out recognizable shapes in the clouds like the time I saw Elvis waving at me on a flight to Minnesota. GOING WHERE I WANT TO GO So where would I go in my airborne recliner? Oh dear, my first thought is that I want to go to heaven. I want to drop in on Mom and Dad and my sisters Sue and Lin. I’d like to talk to the ancestors who are the focus of my family tree research, but I don’t want to be dead in order to do it. I have been thinking a lot about Mom and Dad and Lin and Sue. No wonder I am feeling lost and in need of adventure. February is the anniversary of Lin’s death. I re-read what I wrote last year at this time (Finding Joy in the Smallest Things). I was lamenting that the zest for life I had felt after her death had been replaced by a dull sense of acceptance. This is not just the winter doldrums. This is about grief and loss. I want what I can’t have; I want to see my family and talk to them, to ask the questions that have gone unanswered, to touch them and hug them. I want the impossible. The only thing I CAN actually do is imagine myself in the flying recliner, zipping through the clouds, hanging out in heaven for a while and then getting back down to earth to do my real life.
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Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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