I just had my annual eye exam. My vision hasn’t changed much but I decided to get new frames and lenses anyway. I CAN see better with my new glasses, both physically and psychologically. I decided I would go for frames that were more visible and artsy instead of the kind that blend in. The lady at the optometrist’s was not too excited about my choice. She told me my old glasses looked good and “at least you’ll have something cute to wear until you get your new frames.” She has a history of underhanded complements so I just ignored her and did my own thing. Today I took selfies of myself wearing my new glasses to use on Facebook and on my blog. I have mastered the art of taking a flattering photo by shooting the picture from above in order to minimize the double chin and neck wrinkles. I was quite successful. I have way less wrinkles than in my previous photo, not to mention the lighting was great. It was an overcast day and the light softened my face like the old Hollywood starlets who used to be photographed slightly out of focus to make them look flawless. I look younger in my new photo than my old one. I am not sure if that is good or bad. It’s hard to take an honest look at myself sometimes. Lately, when I am on zoom, I notice my double chin and neck wrinkles more and more. This is reality staring me in the face. In less than a month I will be 74. I am probably lucky I don’t have even more wrinkles. Not only is it hard to take an honest look at the less than flattering self that I see on zoom, it’s also hard for me to take an honest look at these manipulated selfies than make me look better than I really am. This photo is not exactly a true representation of how I look right now. What am I saying by choosing a new photo in which I don’t really look like the “little old lady” I claim to be? Oh dear! Danger, danger here! I am probably over thinking this choice between a flattering picture and an “honest” one. I am having a weird disconnect between what I see in pictures and what I think I look like. It’s important for me to look at this issue from a loving perspective and not use it as a reason to beat myself up. I need to see the real me as beautiful and accept myself the way I am. The whole point of getting new glasses was to be fearless and branch out, take risks, and try new things without worrying how I might look to other people, good or bad. Since my twin sister Linda died I have been on a new path to embrace my true self. Painting my house bright blue was one way of expressing the inner me, and choosing my new glasses fits in the same category. I want to be more visible and creative with my physical self in the same way I am with my art and my writing. I want to accept who I am but not be afraid to try something new. The flattering photo absolutely looks like what I feel inside. Who is the real Leslie? All of Them! My old glasses with wrinkles. . . My new glasses with wrinkles. . .My new glasses, no wrinkles
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We are experiencing an atmospheric river storm. That means massive quantities of rain and as a result, massive quantities of ants trying to find a dry place to hang out. I knew the ants would be coming. I see the scouts wandering around my house. I know they are lurking nearby looking for a way in. I have had this battle before.
There is something else I am battling too. This is the first holiday season without my twin sister Linda. Over the last few years she has been coming out to celebrate Christmas and our January birthday, but even when we couldn’t be together she was always in my heart and mind at this time of the year. I spent a lot of brain time planning Christmas and birthday presents and remembering past celebrations when we were kids. This will be the first birthday I will be celebrating alone. I really miss her. I didn’t realize I was slipping into a state of depression. It’s been nearly a year since she died and I thought I had come to accept the fact the she is gone. Then December and January started looming and I found that my gift list had a big hole in it. I knew I was feeling empty but I didn’t know how to fill the void. This morning the ants arrived. They marched past any previous places I had caulked and sealed. They discovered a couple of handy electric outlets in the living room and snuck into the kitchen somewhere under the sink. I was grossed out but not undone. Methodically I counter-attacked with Windex. It took me two hours to wipe out the initial surge all over my house and scrub the heck out of my kitchen. Then I went for the big guns, ant traps. I usually don’t use them but this attack required desperate measures. As I write this they are lined up in mass to dine on whatever weird liquid is in in those little plastic containers and bring it back to their nest where they will hopefully disappear into ant heaven. I do feel a little guilty about using the traps but this is war. There are millions of them and just one of me. I used to avoid using the traps because I didn’t want Kitty to mess with them, but Kitty is no longer with me. That is another loss to ponder and feel empty over. So what is ant therapy and how did the ants save me? They gave me something else to focus on besides feeling sad and empty. There is nothing like taking on a challenge to bring me out of self pity and depression. I didn’t realize this until tonight when I was reviewing my day and noticing that my battle with the ants was a wonderful distraction. It helped me move on and focus on something besides feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could share this story with Lin. In some way I guess I am. Writing my blog has been a way to share my memories and struggles in somewhat the same way I did with her. Whenever I do something creative like writing or art it makes me feel my feelings more strongly and clearly. Although that is sometimes painful, it is also healing. I believe that my battle with the ants and the process of writing about it helped me move past some of the more difficult feelings of loss and grief and saved me today. |
Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
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