When I first started contemplating giving my Abby cat some freedom to be outside, I wrote that trying to create a safe space in my yard, by making the fence cat-proof, was like trying to keep a salmon from swimming up stream. After trying and failing to keep her from escaping, I’m the one who feels like a spawning salmon and I am NOT a good swimmer.
Abby, Abby, Abby, what lesson are you trying to teach me? I know it’s about letting go but I am so afraid that you will disappear and/or get hurt if I don’t try and make a safe place for you. What the heck is going on in your little brain????? Hi, I am Abby. I am a cat, a tortie to be exact. Torties are known for their attitude and I have it big time. I know what I want and no one is going to stop me from getting it. What I want right now is to explore the world and everything in it. Oooo, ooo, grass, crunchy and chewy. . .ooo, ooo, something’s moving, a bug, so tasty, but too fast, it flew away. . .ooo, ooo, what’s that? A mean squirrel with an acorn in it’s mouth is peeking down at me from the oak tree. . .must, get, that, squirrel. . .rats, I can’t get up there, there is a fence in the way. . .maybe I can jump up? I want to get past that fence sooooo bad, but just when I find a way out, some new barrier goes up. First it was this white curvy slippery stuff screwed to the top of the fence, then various amounts of bird-netting that I got my claws stuck in, but that actually helped me climb, especially when it was draped over those plastic strips that suddenly showed up attached to the posts. Lately some kind of plastic board magically appeared cutting off my access to the oak tree and now there are clear plastic curtains blocking the rose bush and jasmine vines that I had figured out how to climb and squiggle through. Practically the whole fence is covered in plastic. What’s next??? My person isn’t helping at all. She is nice but waaaaay too controlling. I like the treats and the fishy food she dishes out, and she has a very warm and cozy lap, but every time I find a way past that stupid fence she skitters after me. Luckily I am a lot faster than her. I need to hunt, it’s in my DNA, whatever that is. I’m young and I’m getting stronger and faster and better every day. One of these days I’m going to show those squirrels who’s boss. But for now I just need to figure out a way to get past this stupid fence. Abby is fearless. Me not so much. I HAVE “been there and done that” in my younger days, although I have never had the drive to take on the world that Abby has. I am so much more calculating about experiencing new things and exploring dangerous situations. I have NEVER felt comfortable about risk-taking, but it is an unavoidable part of life. What would happen if I just let Abby wander the way she wants? Would she come back? Probably. But she might also get eaten by a coyote or run over by a car and then I would be riddled with guilt about being a bad cat mom. This is as close to being a mom as I will ever be and I want to do the best job I can. I have an overwhelming desire to keep Abby safe but I want her to grow up strong and experience every part of life. Are my own fears wrapped up in this? Of course! Why don’t I feel as guilty about NOT letting her go out in the world? That is surely stifling her growth. Augh! This is something I can’t just figure out by letting it rattle around in my brain. Like Don Quixote battling windmills, I am fighting a battle with myself. Maybe I’m the one who is over-thinking!
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I am addicted to cable TV news. I search it on my iPad first thing in the morning. I turn on my TV and watch while I am eating breakfast. I check out the “latest developments” during the day, and I tune in to the evening news as I settle into my recliner at the end of the day. I watch them all, CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and PBS, sometimes for only a few minutes just to compare what position they are taking. I remember gathering around the TV as a child to watch the local news and weather, and the Huntley-Brinkley Report. It was a family activity like going to church or the library. News was different in those days. There were no panels of guests pontificating and no alternative facts, just Chet and David who wished each other good night at the end of the program. The news changed when it became a money-making venture for the networks and ratings became more important than informing the audience. There have always been differences of opinion but it seems that our nation is now divided more deeply than ever about what constitutes the news and how it is presented. I struggle with how I feel about this great divide and the fear it brings up. It’s no longer just about a difference of opinion when people threaten violence to someone, and their family, over their interpretation of the news. I worry about the future, but it doesn’t stop me from watching, like a deer in the headlights. Many people I know don’t watch the news on a regular basis precisely because of this atmosphere of contention and conflict over what is true and what is not. They feel a need to shield themselves from the daily onslaught of fear and doom. I have thought about cutting back on what I watch but I don’t like being out of touch with what is going on in the world. Somehow I would like to find a way to deal with the feelings while staying informed. I can’t just stick my head in a paper bag and pretend the world is all butterflies and kittens, but I can work on my perspective. There are things I have no control over. Worrying about them won’t change them but it could end up putting me in the hospital with a heart attack and keep me from enjoying life in the moment. Despite the craziness I need to cultivate a sense of trust, not that everything will be all hunky-dory, but that I will be given the ability to deal with whatever happens. I have been thinking about my recent trip to Minnesota and how great it was to connect with friends and family. I really felt surrounded by a positive and caring force. That’s the feeling that makes it possible for me to survive the difficult things in life. You don’t see it on the news very often, but every once in a while there will be a story about someone who reaches out to others in need. My experience on my trip was that there are a lot more people like that on this planet than the ones who take advantage of others and create chaos in the world. I am about to start a new day, have my breakfast, and check out the cable TV channels for the latest disasters and conflicts. I hope I will be able to balance the negative stuff with that sense that the world is also filled with a lot of goodness. That is the kind of news that makes my day. Fifty-two years ago I drove across the country, as a newlywed, looking forward to my future in California. The Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” was playing on the radio and the top of our wedding cake was packed into a cooler in the back of our little green Volkswagen Bug. I felt like I was heading out on a new adventure and I was filled with the hope and fear of what that might be. California was the land of “The Summer of Love.” Flower children from all over the country were there, searching for a place where peace and love was a lifestyle. I wasn’t one of them. I just wanted to get a teaching job and be a good wife. It was an incredible culture shock for me, coming from the Midwest. There was only one person on the whole campus where I went to college, who had long hair and wore sandals. I didn’t really fit in to the California scene, but I tried. I have now lived in California over twice as many years as I spent growing up in Minnesota. I am still a Midwest girl at my core, but I no longer feel out of place in my adopted state. I am blessed to be here, sitting on my deck, just a five minute walk to the ocean, with the breeze ruffling my now grayish/whitish hair. I could almost pass for a California blond, except my gnome-like body and pink skin betray my Nordic Minnesota roots. My outlook on life is still Minnesotan, socially conservative and politically liberal. Hard-working and determined, I got my teaching job, but I wasn’t so good at the wife thing. That didn’t stop me from finding love, it just wasn’t where I expected it to be. I found a whole new family of special friends who have given me the support I needed through a lifetime of experiences, both inspiring and devastating. I felt the same sense of adventure, on my recent trip back to Minnesota, that I felt when I first came to California, and the same combination of hope and fear. The isolation of the covid pandemic and my aging body made me feel vulnerable, but I wanted to travel again and see some of the people I hadn’t seen for a while. This trip gave me a chance to reconnect with my Midwest family, both actually family and the friends that feel like family. It was wonderful to be with the people who knew me as a kid. It always amazes me how strong that connection can be. Even though we aren’t young anymore, it feels like the years and physical distance slip away when we are together. When I left Minnesota I was barely out of my teens. I was totally clueless about life and the challenges I was about to face. Although I have been back many times since then, going back as a seventy-four-year-old senior citizen was a whole new experience. I appreciate my Midwest upbringing more than ever, but I also know that California has given me the freedom I needed to be my authentic self. It’s all good. I am a California girl with Minnesota roots and a Minnesota girl with California dreams. |
Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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