Redefining Romance, Intimacy, and LoveINSPIRED BY THE QUEER EYE’S FAB FIVE I watched a bunch of episodes of Queer Eye last night. One of the episodes was about a woman very much like me, who was struggling with seeing herself as an attractive and datable person. I haven’t seen the show for a while and I had forgotten how they not only change how someone looks on the outside, they also explore their insides. The changes they go through are deeper than just getting a new outfit and hair style. I loved seeing how their whole demeanor transformed when they were able to see themselves in a new way. OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE Their ability to do this required each person to get out of the comfort zone they had been living in and try new things. I don’t have the Fab Five to help me but I am definitely out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating. I had a date with another match from my speed dating experience this week. The person was very interested in meeting a romantic partner as opposed to a friend. That’s OK, but although I thought I was open to the possibilities I discovered that I wasn’t ready to discuss intimacy on a first date. It made me uncomfortable. I would like to get to know someone a little better before we explore that territory. I have been so isolated from the process of dating that I wasn’t prepared for the possibility of intimacy being a part of the conversation so quickly. It’s hard doing things I haven’t even thought about doing for a million years and opening myself up to challenges that I feel woefully inadept at handling. This is very much out of my comfort zone. It made me doubt myself and question why I decided to do this dating thing in the first place. FEAR OF DATING So why am I doing this? What made me take a step into territory I knew was going to be uncomfortable, considering my past? The guy on Queer Eye talked about how important it was for people to get out of their comfort zone in order to make changes; growth happens when we do things we are afraid to do. In the past, I let fear get in the way of exploring new relationships. I don’t recommend waiting until you are 75 to throw yourself back into the world of dating, but at least I am willing to go through the fear, and work on letting go of it. THE LANGUAGE OF DATING The interaction I had on my most recent date made me want to redefine what the words romance, intimacy, and love mean for me. I wish I had been able to express this to my date at the time. Although that didn’t happen, I am grateful that the experience helped me take a look at these words so that I can be clear about what I am looking for in a relationship and feel comfortable talking about them. Romance is the fantasy version of relationships. It brings to mind Prince Charming, everlasting love, going off into the sunset together, and living happily ever after. This is the Disney version of life rather than realty. I also think of romance as the adrenalin serge of attraction and falling in love. The possibility of romance can be powerful but fleeting. Intimacy is about trust. It requires the ability to share honestly about your fears and joys and the freedom to be your authentic self in a relationship. It rarely happens instantly, certainly not for me. I need time to build trust. Intimacy is not just about sex, it is a foundation for love. You can have sex without intimacy, and you can have intimacy without sex, but you can’t have love without intimacy. Love is ethereal and unpredictable. It is not something you can will to happen. You can be open to the possibility of love but you may or may not find it. Love grows over time as you get to know someone. It is not just accepting someone despite their foibles but loving them because of their foibles. Love means embracing the fact that we are all human and we make mistakes. It involves seeing the strengths and weaknesses in ourselves and others. Love can also disappear over time. When people change they may grow apart and loose the love they once had. Love needs to be nurtured. It feels good to put these ideas into words and to look at how they manifest themselves in my life. I already have people in my life who love me for who I am and visa versa, and I’m not hoping to find a Prince Charming. I am looking for relationships that bring new things into my life that may or may not include a combination of romance, intimacy, and love. Dating is bringing me face to face with the potential for all three. It would be great to have the Fab Five come by and give me a makeover but I don’t need them to help me get out of my comfort zone. I seem to be driven to do uncomfortable things lately, all by myself, including sharing this experience on my blog.
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Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
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