So I took a little break from my blog (like two years) but I finally felt moved, by forces unknown, to write again. As I get older I find I am dealing with loss more and more. It’s so frustrating. Today I have spent hours looking for some old photos I put away for safe keeping and can’t seem to remember where that “safe” place is. Athough memory loss is certainly one of my biggest issues, it’s not just my memory I am losing. I’m losing my mobility and sense of balance. I’m losing my hair and I didn’t have a whole heck of a lot to begin with. My hearing and vision are under assault and I’m losing my bladder control.
All of these pale, of course, against the loss of the people in my life. Somewhere in my youth, when I imagined what it would be like to be old, I didn’t really comprehend that all those people who mean so much to me were not immortal, or that their loss could be both instant and slow and painful. I’m losing my sister. We are twins and have know each other since our time in utero, so this is the longest connection I have ever had. She fell and has a head injury that has left her with a form of dementia. She knows her family and remembers a lot of things from long ago but is so confused about the present. Although she fell many times I had only worried about the possibility of her breaking an arm or a leg. I never realized that a head injury was one of the possibities or that it could be so devastating. The worst part is that she knows her brain is not functioning properly and she gets anxious and down on herself, thinking there is something she can do to change and go back to that place where normal life was not confusing and overwhelming. There is nothing I can say or do. I tell her it’s OK and I love her just the way she is but she doesn’t really believe me. We had planned to spend our retiring years taking trips across the country to see each other and explore places we had never been. We used to talk on the phone every day. Now I’m lucky if we can do a video call once a week. I am careful not to talk too much about the present. The past is a more comfortable place for her. She actually remembers I lot of names and places I don’t. She was always good at that. We sing Beatles songs and songs we learned when we were in the 6th grade chorus. That is one of the best ways we can connect because she remembers them well and doesn’t make any judgements about herself and her lack of memory. Which brings me back to the idea of being a “Loser.” I know that self judgement thing well. We both grew up with low self esteem, blaming ourselves for things we didn’t have a lot of control over. It is deeply rooted in my soul and obviously in my sister’s soul. Also deeply rooted for me is a desire to “fix” everyone and everything which, of course, I can’t. So I am doing the best I can, reaching out in those video phone calls, letting her know I care and occasionally sharing a song or a memory. It’s the best way I know to not feel so lost.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
* * *
The Book Naked Little Old Lady with Cats A collection of Little Old Lady with Cats blogs * * *
WHAT IS A LITTLE OLD LADY WITH CATS - REALLY?
(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
All
Archive
June 2024
|