Dad died in October (2014). He was 101. Ever since his death I have been hoping to have a dream where we could just talk. Mom would be there too, but having spent the last eight years with God she would have acquired “the peace that passes all understanding” and be uncharacteristically smiling supportively in the background. We did talk when Dad was alive. He was as sharp as a tack and remembered his long life in amazing detail. He loved to tell stories, but it was rare for him to give advice and that is what I would like now. How do I navigate this new life, free from the responsibilities of caring for someone else? I feel a little guilty about admitting that I do have a sense of relief along with deep sadness that he is gone. It’s hard to sort out all these feelings. “Don’t get your pants in a bundle” Dad would say in my dream, if I had one, indicating his usual approach to life which was to not spend a lot of time worrying and wondering and just face each new challenge as it came. I would ask him how he was doing. “Pretty Good” he would reply, or “Not too bad.” Being from Minnesota, Dad sounded like a walking example of someone from the book “How to Talk Minnesotan.” Nothing was ever expressed effusively. Emotions, both good and bad, were always kept in check. In my dream, he would probably casually mention seeing God in the same way he used to talk about meeting Hubert Humphrey, and be proud that they both called him “Howard.” I would be afraid to tell him I was a little bit miffed that he had communicated with at least three people that I know of after he died, but not with me. Why didn’t I feel his touch on my arm like the custodian who cleaned his apartment, or see him in his plaid shirt like the total stranger who told me Dad said he could “help me more where he is now” than he could have when he was still alive and needing a lot of care? No, I wouldn't say anything about those mind boggling and confusing encounters. I would be happy just to be able to talk to him and I wouldn’t want to spoil it by being too emotional. ![]() After some random conversation I would look at Dad and Mom and we would all know that I was dreaming but it would seem so real. I would ask if I could touch them, even though it was a dream, and they would say yes. I wouldn’t give them a big bear hug. That would not be respectful Scandinavian behavior. I would gently take Mom’s hands in mine and kiss her on the forehead. And then I would slide my arm around Dad’s shoulders and plant a kiss on the top of his bald head.
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Linda Mason Pace
4/3/2015 08:48:13 am
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Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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