My cat Abby is a very picky eater. I have to keep changing up her food. This morning I found a plateful of rejected tuna with prawns, one of her favorites, that was left uneaten from last night. I brought out a can of tuna with gravy for her breakfast and she gobbled it down. Every once in a while she needs gravy. I know the feeling well. COMFORT FOOD MEMORIES I have struggled with food issues and weight my whole life. Yesterday I needed Chicken Pot Pie. This was one of my favorite childhood comfort foods. My entire family loved it. Mom was particularly happy because she didn't have to prepare a whole meal but she was a big fan of the gravy laden treat too. It really is just piecrust with a few pieces of chicken, a random carrot or two, and a couple of green peas, floating around in gravy. I can picture my family sitting around the kitchen table. We had assigned places; my sister Sue and Mom sat on one side, my twin sister Linda and I on the other side, and Dad on the end. Everyone had their own technique for eating chicken pot pie. I still eat mine the way I did as a kid, plopped upside down on my plate. I cut away and eat the edge of the crust first, and then smash up the rest so the crust mixes in with everything else. That ritual is every bit as satisfying as the pie itself. EATING OVER FEELINGS So why did I need comfort food yesterday? I was feeling less than, as in less than someone or something else. You would think that at 75 I would have had enough positive experiences in life to make me immune to the feelings I had when I was a kid; but no, I am still vulnerable to negative self judgements. I question why I didn’t do or say something in a different way, as if I had any control when I am in the moment and acting on auto-pilot. I doubt that I am going to have any luck changing those deep seated feelings. A more important question is why I think food is going to make me feel better? I know I am not the only person on the planet who turns to comfort food. In my case the memory of my family sitting down together at the kitchen table is a big factor. Food was an expression of love and something we shared as a family. By the time I was in junior high, we were eating on TV trays in the living room, watching the news. Family dinners were not the same no matter what we were actually eating. FINDING REAL COMFORT I knew when I was eating the chicken pot pie that I was looking for something I wasn’t going to find in a sea of gravy. I am the only one left of the family of five that used to sit together at the kitchen table. The reality is that a lot of the self critics in my head, that bring up the feelings I have of being less than, were forged in that family too; but I miss being able to pick up the phone and share my latest adventure with my sisters. I miss dropping by to visit my Mom and Dad at their apartment and I miss going for walks with my Dad. Where CAN I find comfort? I reached out to a special friend and spent an hour on the phone restoring my self confidence with the help of her love and understanding. I found comfort in my garden, where the distraction of digging and weeding always gives me a different perspective. I wrote this blog. Writing always takes me on a different path, that I can’t find in the kitchen staring into the open refrigerator. I know that for me, the best way to find comfort is to do the things that feed my soul in a way no comfort food can.
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Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
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