MY HISTORY WITH BREAD
One of the strongest memories from my childhood is the smell of baking bread. My grandma was a world class bread maker. I remember the shear joy of being at her house and eating a slice of freshly baked bread, just out of the oven, with the butter melting as it was spread on top. Bread is something I want, not just because of how it tastes, but because of how it makes me feel. It is my ultimate comfort food. I have known for a long time that bread is addictive for me. It’s one of those things that keeps me locked into an unhealthy weight. Although I have made some major changes in my attitude towards food that have helped me slowly loose weight, at the rate I am going I will be dead before I lose enough to be at a doctor recommended body size. I’ve spent many years learning to accept and love my body just the way it is, but I also know that part of loving my body involves taking care of it. I finally feel willing to take a good look at what is in the way of wanting to lighten the load of my addictive behavior. Letting go of bread is one possibility. FINDING THE WILLINGNESS TO LET IT GO I know I can’t do this by myself so I asked a friend for advice. She suggested I write a break up letter to bread. Dear Bread, Although you hold a special place in my heart and my mind I think it’s time for us to break up. You have changed from something warm and comforting to a food that drives me crazy. I have tried many ways to make our relationship work. I don’t buy you by the loaf anymore or bring you home, where you call my name from the kitchen while I am watching TV. It’s too tempting to have you within easy reach. I have tried just eating bread when I am out at restaurants, but that makes me cling to the impossible possibility that sometime, somehow, I will be able to have control over my compulsion to empty the entire bread basket. I have futilely consumed a myriad of bread substitutes like crackers and Naan bread, but I still want more. There are not enough Triscuits in the world to satisfy my desire for Sourdough. No, I am better off just making a clean break than staying in this spirit numbing battle. I’m tired of fighting with when, how, and how much I can eat without putting my health in jeopardy. I know I will miss you, but eventually I hope to find the same sense of freedom I have found by eliminating chocolate as a potential food. After years of saying no to chocolate I feel happily distant from its siren call. It doesn’t even seem like something edible anymore. Not that I can take my chocolate avoidance for granted. I am well aware that one taste will set off an explosion in my body that will drive me to seek it out and dive head first into a chocolate stupor. The thought of going there helps give me the ability to stop before I take even a little bite. I would like to feel this freedom around you, bread. You have brought comfort and pleasure into my life but I am ready to set some boundaries and move on. Thanks for the memories, but I want something more. I want to feel comfortable in my body and free from the struggle to feed that part of me that no food can satisfy. Sincerely, Leslie
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Leslie Masona woman in search of her post-retirement future Guess what! By subscribing, you get notices about the latest Little Old Lady with Cats posts sent to your mailbox!
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(from an entry posted on 5/1/2015) “I definitely fit some of the characteristics of a little old lady with cats: Retired - check, Single - check, Like to knit - check, Have cats - check. . .I do not want to get stuck in my Little Old Lady persona, however. In fact, this blog is a risk taking experiment in exploring and redefining what I want my retired life to look like.” Categories
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